Jesus answered, ‘Don’t you know that in the beginning
the Creator made a man and a woman? That’s why a man
leaves his father and mother and gets married.
He becomes like one person with his wife. Then they are no longer
two people, but one. And no one should separate a couple
that God has joined together.’”
Matthew 19:4-6 (CEV)
Marriage is important.
It’s a special covenant, established by God, in which a man and woman willingly bind themselves together in love and become one. The Bible uses the marriage relationship as a symbol of the relationship between Jesus Christ and the Church. It’s the foundation of a healthy family and a strong society.
Marriage is hard work…even for Christians.
It’s easy to get married, but difficult to stay married. And the goal is not simply to avoid divorce or separation. Anger, frustration, dysfunction and disconnection are not God’s intention for marriage.
Marriage depends on good communication.
It is vital for husbands and wives to talk with each other about hopes and dreams and spiritual things. Conversations need to deal with more than just work, kids and things that need to be done around the house.
Our goal is to encourage honest, open communication between husbands and wives. We believe that willingness to “risk” in this area can have huge benefits. Part of becoming successful in communication is unlearning some bad habits while cultivating new habits. Some of the bad habits couples get into are:
- Miscommunication… Everyone wants to be understood, but our ability to listen to others is often complicated by our need to say what’s on our mind. In order for good communication to occur a message has to be both sent and received accurately. If a person is focused only on sending a message it will very likely interfere with his or her ability to receive a message.
- Angry Communication… When a conversation starts as a complaint, it’s easy and natural for the receiver to immediately go on the defensive. A critical, blaming tone of voice creates a “survival” mindset in the other person, regardless of the issue. Focusing on your spouse’s failures in a harsh, disrespectful way erodes trust and intimacy.
- Passive Communication… Always giving up or giving in is also unhealthy. A spouse who consistently discounts his or her own wants, needs and feelings is also eroding trust and intimacy. Mutual respect and appreciation requires give and take, and recognizes the interests of both the husband and wife.
- Do look for something to praise your spouse for every day.
- Do make time to talk when there’s not a problem to solve or many distractions.
- Do unto your spouse as you would have him or her do unto you.
- Do appreciate the inherent differences between men and women.
- Do avoid volatile statements like “you always…” or “you never…”
- Do keep in mind what really matters. The goal is not to win an argument. The goal is to have a healthy, vibrant marriage!
- Don’t interrupt the other person.
- Don’t lose your sense of humor.
- Don’t assume that you know what your spouse is going to say.
- Don’t assume that you know how your spouse feels.
- Don’t try to have an important discussion when one or both of you is tired, angry, upset or hungry.
- Don’t stop believing that your marriage is important and worth working for.
Ephesians 5:15-33 (New Living Translation)
“So be careful how you live. Don’t live like fools, but like those who are wise. Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days. Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do. Don’t be drunk… that will ruin your life. Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit… making music to the Lord in your hearts. And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord… For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church… As the Scriptures say, ‘A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
Each month we will offer questions for couples to use in having healthy, spiritual conversations with each other. We encourage you to set aside some time – at least once a month – to discuss these questions in a friendly, supportive way. View the archived questions.
December Couples Questions
“Great is the LORD! He is most worthy of praise! No one can measure his greatness. Let each generation tell its children of your mighty acts; let them proclaim your power. I will meditate on your majestic, glorious splendor and your wonderful miracles. Your awe-inspiring deeds will be on every tongue; I will proclaim your greatness. Everyone will share the story of your wonderful goodness; they will sing with joy about your righteousness.” Psalm 145: 3 - 7 (NLT)
“For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.” Ecclesiastes 3:1-4 (NLT)
“Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all! Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.” Romans 12:10-18 (NLT)
“The Holidays” offer lots of opportunities for both celebration and frustration. The joy of the season can be undermined by the pressure and expense of gift-giving, decorating and travel. The movie “Christmas Vacation” offers a humorous perspective on what can happen when families collide in a jumble of fruits and nuts!
Where do you spend Christmas day when your parents live in different cities? Whose turn is it this year? Where did you go for Thanksgiving?
When I perform a wedding ceremony, I usually remind the bride and groom (as well as everyone else who shows up) that marriage isn’t just about a love relationship between a couple… it’s a blending of families and traditions.
One of the opportunities and responsibilities for each family is developing their own holiday traditions. Consciously or unconsciously, the two of you are establishing your own set of rituals and expectations.
• What did your family do to make Christmas “special” when you were growing up?
• What are some of your favorite holiday traditions?
• How do you decide where you will spend the holidays?
• Which of the following statements best reflects your attitude about the holidays?
It’s important to decorate and make everything look festive.
Close family and friends expect to receive a gift at Christmas.
Why does everyone make such a big deal about this?
The holidays are a great time to relax, eat and watch sports!
Being with the family is the best part about Christmas.
I usually feel closer to God and grow in my faith this time of year.
• Do you like surprises or do you prefer to offer input on the gifts you receive?
• What tends to stress you out at Christmas?
• What new traditions are you establishing for your family?
We are asking our Adult Bible Study groups to identify “Marriage Enrichment Leaders” who will help to foster this emphasis throughout our church. These individuals are not “experts” nor are they claiming to have a perfect marriage. They are simply concerned members who want to nurture healthy marriages in our congregation. Our hope is that this area will continue to develop over time so that open, honest communication in and about our marriages will become the norm!
If you are interested in becoming a marriage enrichment leader for your Bible Study group, fill out the NEXT Step form.
Check out the following Marriage related resources…
Focus on the Family
Intimacy in Marriage
Check out @themarriagebed. Review past tweets. Consider following them. Do you agree? Disagree? Why? By yourself – or even better, with your spouse – read over several of their posts. Click on a couple of links.